The dark cloud gathers, oh wait it's just another birthday

My birthday is next Saturday.

I had wanted a big celebration of my 9th annual 29th birthday. But that just sounds too ridiculous and it seems far too many people do such things as if denying their true age will change something. My party was going to be a fabulous, llama-optional affair. Guests would come dressed as themselves. Music would be a blend of hip-hop to get in touch with my “brotha” side and pop/alternative with maybe some jazz to cover everything else I like. So happy 38th to me!

As most of you know life got rough for me about five years ago. And just over four years ago it turned completely upside down. Some people redo their kitchens, incubate children, or get through college in that time. Most of it I spent in denial. But this past year I found my way back to family, the real world, and life.

It is not a long time. There are people who have been at it far longer than I have. It's just weird to look back and see what was and what is and try to reconcile the two. I am still the same yet completely different and it has happened not in years but months, days, hours, moments. Tiny little moments. When something blows up your life you can either stay pinned under the giant concrete slab or try and get the damned thing off you and figure out how to get on with it. (And hey, it took me three years to get the damned thing off me so I could move on. I know it is easier said than done, but it needs to be done or why bother living?).

And now my 38th birthday is upon me so I figured I would jot down these little tidbits as I will likely need to be reminded of them in the months to come. I have learned a few things:

Family is everything.

True friends are next.

My cats are part of my family.

I cannot be pessimistic when I am sitting by a fire.

Pizza and a movie at home can be more fun than a night on the town.

Acceptance is probably the hardest thing to do when facing just about any sort of crap. Mute resignation to one’s fate is not the same as true acceptance. There is a difference between feeling defeated and bitter versus accepting and looking forward. This leads to my next realization…

I am trying to accept that what I thought would be happening by the time I was 38 is not happening. The map you create for your life will be amended and changed and reconstructed and torn up and then remade again and again and again and that is ok. I know this. Yet I find myself feeling sad so I know that I cannot seem to find it within me to truly accept it.

On the other hand, I learned to accept who I am. I learned to (and am still working to) not compare myself and my life to others. I am a work in progress and will continue to be. It's all about learning folks. Trial and error is a natural tactic. Would I like to change a few things? Sure. But my experiences have made me what I am. Let's not live in regret but accept ourselves and continue to grow.

I have learned to not be ashamed to cry especially in front of someone who loves you.

I have learned that you should not hold in true feelings and that you should always demand a direct answer. Just be prepared if the answer is one you do not want to hear.

I really learned to embrace the saying "things could always be worse." Even when I have been extremely down this past year I tried really hard to be thankful for the things I did have and the things for which I was in control. And it is so true! Things could always be worse. Celebrate the things you have and the people around you.

I found the best one. And I made him my life partner.

I always have a song in my head. It loops endlessly throughout the day and I cannot help but sing along. And life is happiest when it matches the one in my heart.

Buying more stuff does not necessarily lead to more happiness.

After I have been home a while my partner has my song stuck in his head.

It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

Two semi-wild cats and a part passionate designer-part neat freak make a living, breathing, shedding syndicated comic strip (but you didn’t hear that from me!).

I learned that I can make things happen on my own. I have learned to give myself more credit and to not be afraid of my ideas even if they fail.

Faith is tricky.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

Things will change and you can wail and fight like a stubborn jerk, but they will just change anyway. Life does not really give a crap if you liked the old way better.

Food made with love can heal. So can a cocktail.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to does not mean they do not love you with all they have.

I am glad when I realize that I can say I have lived 38 years, but there have been many moments of late when I wished I had not divulged my true age. This hinders my acceptance.

I have learned that time is relative. I can leave at 6:15am and not be done with work, commute, gym workout, dinner, cleaning dishes, and a couple hours of homework until after 9pm, and I still have time to talk to someone I care about. But there are days when I need time to myself and that is okay too.

No matter what cool trick you can do with computers or technology, someone else can do something even more impressive.

It is okay to be the person in the room with the fewest social networking devices on the table. (Although it is fun to trump all others with a single iPhone.)

I had some tests done. It is somewhat up in the air right now. The mysterious weight loss last September and October was “just stress.” But hey, my waist is back to what it was at age 20 and I am in the best shape ever. Jenny Craig eat your heart out.

Looking for a pair of pants that fits in the boys section does not make me feel younger.

Snow makes me feel like a kid again.

I have learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t. I never realized how little I pushed myself before. Now I can do one-arm push ups while a year ago I could scarcely keep my arms steady doing regular push ups.

I love to watch my Bengal cat, Aria, as she plays with her toys or items from my desk, marveling at her preoccupation with the present, her fascination with whatever the moment brings. It is her gift to me given endlessly, a constant reminder to stay squarely in the now, for nothing else is life, everything else is beyond your control. By following her lead, I tell myself, I will multiply my remaining time by cat years.

I have learned that I no longer think the same. I have come face to face with my own mortality. The indestructibility of the 20s has given way to the realization that I am but passing through this life and if I do not make time for what really matters now, when will I? And instead of going out all hours of the night, I think of how many brain cells I’m destroying every time a single drink turns into 4, I have too much to do the next day, why do we have to park so far, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for $150, they cost as much as $50 each if you buy them separately, and you get a frying pan thrown in, and…

But it's January. I have work in the morning and an essay to write for class. And we are already planning our next vacation. Zoey is sleeping next to me, and Aria is on a chair across the room dreaming up new ways to make toys out of everyday items. David has fallen asleep to "Will and Grace" on the other side of me. After 12 years it is still our favorite show. As for me, I am contemplating the moments I feel most alive.

One last bit of wisdom as I close my birthday ruminations - life is full of surprises. Just say "never" and you will see.

Introspectively,

David